Confession

Confession: It’s the end of January and there are so many times this week I’ve wanted to give up.  This is not good. Let’s review the month of January and figure out a plan… I promised myself I could do this.

I’ve lost a few pounds, but I’m 5 pounds behind. On top of it, I’m bloated as hell and feel like I’m carrying another thirty pounds of salted water weight around right now – it’s not good for the morale.  This past week, my lower back started hurting quite a bit. I’ve never had that happen before. I think it’s because of the extra weight I’m carrying and that’s pretty demoralizing. I’ve also noticed that my body is changing – I feel fat popping up on my lower back where it never has before. How can I be losing weight if it’s shifting around? It’s making me really self conscious. Is this just one of those bodily changes that happens as you age? My lower back hurts, I have back fat, and oh yeah – I’ve been VERY stiff every morning for the past couple weeks. What is THAT about? That’s definitely new.  There are other physical things going on, too. I’m trying to grow my hair out right now (from being SUPER short), and it’s in a really awkward stage where I can’t quite put it up, but it just sort of hangs there looking like a mullet-meets-mother-brady. It’s not doing anything to conform to my double chin, that’s for sure.  On top of it all, there have been several days where I’ve missed my anxiety meds and it shows. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but a lot of my weight gain was from hopping on the anxiety med wagon. I think it screws horribly with my metabolism when I forget to take them for a few days (especially since they’re SSRI)…

I’ve been doing absolutely horrible on the exercise wagon.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Can laziness be a disease?  How can I take small steps toward doing better? I don’t work well with “tough love”… that only makes me retreat further into a black hole. I decided against doing Weight Watchers even though I have a friend who started it today. I don’t even know why I’m giving up on it – I just feel like it’s something else I’ll promise myself and end up disappointed about when I fail at it – again.

Right now school/work is horribly stressful, as so many deadlines are coming up. I am finding myself stress/emotionally eating like there’s no tomorrow. I see no end in sight for this at least until the end of May, assuming I can get everything finished.

Okay so there’s been a bit of negativity on this post. I did accomplish a few of things in January. So many of the items on my list are yearly cumulative, so I can’t really cross them off at all, though I have started putting a monthly tally next to those where  it makes sense to do so. I’ve broken a few promises to myself already, so I can’t break the one of getting through the list this year, even if it means the numbers don’t match up… but… I can’t give up  – not yet.

This will be my 20th post… at least I should beat that number.

eensy weensy update

I’m looking forward to weigh-in tomorrow – I hope I meet my goal (see previous affirmations post), but as long as I have a loss I’ll be happy. I’ve been trying hard this week. I didn’t realize how much happens in my life that gets in the way of these goals, and it’s only January. I’m grateful for the ability to learn along the way.  This is probably the busiest I’ve ever been before, yet I’m finding plenty of time to incorporate my goals into social time with friends by choosing what we do based on the list – for example, I’ve now painted two canvasses and I’m really happy with how they turned out. I bought a “how to” oil paint book, too – I have no talent whatsoever, but I really enjoy doing it.  ALSO – I’m buying my ticket to the Dominican Republic this week (for mid-March). If anyone has any travel tips for visiting there, let me know! I started planning my trip to India but I’m really weary – I don’t feel safe going alone (I’ve never been), and I can’t find anyone who has the money to tag along. It needs to be done, though.

I’ve also been enjoying organizing my home. Over the next few weeks I’m hosting quite a few events at the house, so everything needs to be clean and organized. Confession: I love it when I have stuff at the house simply because it forces me to keep things neat. If I never had anyone over, the place would be a disaster!

I have two weeks to write a 100+ page document, so if I’m not posting every day, be assured that I’m trying my best to stay on plan. I know I’ve started off rocky, but know also that I’ve never been a ‘cold turkey’ kind of person. If I “step it up” every week just a little bit, I know I’ll be successful. I have to think hard about this coming week’s affirmations. Tomorrow I’ll let everyone know how I did for this week’s! 🙂