Confession

Confession: It’s the end of January and there are so many times this week I’ve wanted to give up.  This is not good. Let’s review the month of January and figure out a plan… I promised myself I could do this.

I’ve lost a few pounds, but I’m 5 pounds behind. On top of it, I’m bloated as hell and feel like I’m carrying another thirty pounds of salted water weight around right now – it’s not good for the morale.  This past week, my lower back started hurting quite a bit. I’ve never had that happen before. I think it’s because of the extra weight I’m carrying and that’s pretty demoralizing. I’ve also noticed that my body is changing – I feel fat popping up on my lower back where it never has before. How can I be losing weight if it’s shifting around? It’s making me really self conscious. Is this just one of those bodily changes that happens as you age? My lower back hurts, I have back fat, and oh yeah – I’ve been VERY stiff every morning for the past couple weeks. What is THAT about? That’s definitely new.  There are other physical things going on, too. I’m trying to grow my hair out right now (from being SUPER short), and it’s in a really awkward stage where I can’t quite put it up, but it just sort of hangs there looking like a mullet-meets-mother-brady. It’s not doing anything to conform to my double chin, that’s for sure.  On top of it all, there have been several days where I’ve missed my anxiety meds and it shows. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but a lot of my weight gain was from hopping on the anxiety med wagon. I think it screws horribly with my metabolism when I forget to take them for a few days (especially since they’re SSRI)…

I’ve been doing absolutely horrible on the exercise wagon.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Can laziness be a disease?  How can I take small steps toward doing better? I don’t work well with “tough love”… that only makes me retreat further into a black hole. I decided against doing Weight Watchers even though I have a friend who started it today. I don’t even know why I’m giving up on it – I just feel like it’s something else I’ll promise myself and end up disappointed about when I fail at it – again.

Right now school/work is horribly stressful, as so many deadlines are coming up. I am finding myself stress/emotionally eating like there’s no tomorrow. I see no end in sight for this at least until the end of May, assuming I can get everything finished.

Okay so there’s been a bit of negativity on this post. I did accomplish a few of things in January. So many of the items on my list are yearly cumulative, so I can’t really cross them off at all, though I have started putting a monthly tally next to those where  it makes sense to do so. I’ve broken a few promises to myself already, so I can’t break the one of getting through the list this year, even if it means the numbers don’t match up… but… I can’t give up  – not yet.

This will be my 20th post… at least I should beat that number.

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7 Comments

Filed under Daily Posts

7 responses to “Confession

  1. Some days are better than others and your just having a bad run, you’ll kick start on a more positive path soon. Keep it up and keep smiling 🙂

  2. Erinma

    Keep going, you’re dong great! We all have highs and lows. Your blog posts are refreshingly honest. one day at a time… you’ll get there… The trick is to keep going

  3. I agree with the other commenters – not every day/week/month is going to be your best ever. Starting a year full of so many goals means that you are going to hit the mark on some, and not the others all the time. Don’t overwhelm yourself with so many things at once – just focus on each small step or else it just becomes so difficult that you give up on every thing. It’s hard to balance school and work and trying to be healthy all at once. Take it one meal at a time, one workout at a time and don’t get too caught up in trying to plan your schedule a month for now. Each good decision you make a step in the right direction! You can do this!!

  4. As Dori says… Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…
    Or, in other words, just keep going. Sometimes you loop back on yourself, but as long as you do what you can to keep yourself pointed in the right direction, you’ll eventually get to where you need to be. 🙂

    We all have off days/weeks/months/years. I know I do! But, I do my best to keep headed toward my goal of being healthy, and I know I’ll get there – even with the occasional set-back (darn you, dark chocolate & wine!).

    I’ve found that doing my blog has made a world of difference for me. While I’m not always accountable to myself – I’ve found that just knowing I “have” to fess up to the world means that I may just rethink that bad choice I’m pondering. 🙂

    But, that said… just keep swimming – we’re all here swimmin’ along with you!

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